M
by KittyGonzales
Summary: There was no official name for M-day.  M for mourning, or for memorial, or Miranda.  For the crew of Serenity, M-day also meant memories.  And they'd been trying desperately to forget. After Serenty, before my story "The Ghosts."
1. Chapter 1

"I always seem to forget

How fragile are the very strong,"

-Ingrid Michaelson, 'A Bird's Song'

* * *

><p>Zoe was doing better. She wasn't doing well- she didn't think she'd ever be truly okay- but she was doing better.<p>

At first, of course, she'd felt awful. She'd died inside, and watched the rest of the crew recover and move on. She'd hated them for forgetting him, for betraying him, and she'd hated herself for hating the people she loved. What she hated most was when people told her that Wash wouldn't have wanted her to act like this. He was dead, he didn't care, would never care about anything ever again. She hated the Reavers with more passion than she'd ever thought possible, and she hated the Allaince more than ever.

And she'd hated River. She didn't want to hate River; she loved River. But every time she saw her, no matter how much she'd tried to think of the girl who had hidden from Sheppard Book's hair and become the voice of Serenity, all she could think of was that if it weren't for her, none of it would have happened. She knew it wasn't River's fault, but it sure as hell wasn't Wash's fault, either.

But she recovered, slowly. The pain dulled, she learned to stop blaming River, and she realized that Wash really would have wanted her to move on. She even smiled. Once, she'd actually felt a moment of genuine happiness. She'd been sitting at the dinner table, laughing at one of Mal's jokes, and she half-expected Wash to walk in and ask what was so funny.

Sometimes, though, she wanted nothing more than to curl up under some blankets and cry herself to sleep. Sometimes the grief grew from a deep, aching weariness of the soul to a sharp pain like a knife in her heart, or a harpoon in her chest.

* * *

><p>Almost all of Boros was dressed in mourning. There were some who didn't, who wore bright, bright clothes in defiance of the event.<p>

"It was obviously a hoax," one of them said, "Some kids playing an elaborate prank, and they've got the whole city falling for it, dressed like they're going to a funeral. Honestly, it's astounding how gullible people can be. I bet those kids are having quite a laugh at this."

Zoe wanted to hurt him very badly. She wanted to shout at him, to tell him what had actually happened, to somehow make him feel as bad as she did. But she did nothing while Mal asked what was going on.

"It's Mourning Day," someone said, "for those poor people on that planet."

"No, it isn't. it's Memorial Day."

"You're both wrong. It's Miranda Day. The planet was called Miranda."

"Well, its M-day, at any rate," the first woman said.

Mal glanced at Zoe. _Are you okay?_ His eyes asked.

She gave a tiny nod. _I'm fine._ And she did her best to forget about it.

Back on _Serenity, _River couldn't escape it, and she lost herself the pain and the memories.

* * *

><p>*End of Chapter 1*<p>

* * *

><p>'A Bird's Song' can be found on Youtube at .comwatch?v=8RSTSKmbpf4 This doesn't mean I'm giving up on my other story, I've just been working on this for a while, and decided to finally publish it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Don't say goodbye  
>Like you're burying him<br>'Cause the world is round  
>And he might return"<p>

-Regina Spektor, 'Just Like the Movies'

* * *

><p>River had been doing better. She still felt the occasional glimpse of a thought echo of an emotion, but she'd learned to shut out the voices. But now, it was just too much. Zoe's grief was so powerful, so strong, it forced itself into her mind and met her own grief, so that she was utterly consumed by it. She had almost forgotten Wash, but now he was all he could think of. Memories ran through her head like movies, and she forgot where she was and who she was.<p>

The first memory was Zoe's, but River had seen it before, many, many times.

There had been a pause. After a second, they all gave a sigh of relief. Zoe almost laughed, despite the fact that there was nothing even remotely funny about their position. It happened so quickly. Wash began reciting some poetry, and she was beginning to wonder where he had heard it and whether he knew what it meant, and then the windshield shattered, and so did her life. Her mind stopped. There was no way. Wash was not, _could_ not be dead. But he wasn't moving. She screamed. Whether or not the sound actually escaped her, she didn't know. But she screamed, nevertheless.

"Are you okay?" Simon asked.

River was in her room, curled up in a ball on her bed, whimpering softly to herself. She grabbed Simon's wrist. "Don't say goodbye like you're burying him," she said.

"What?"

"The world is round. He might return." River had a feeling he had heard that somewhere, or perhaps someone else had.

Simon opened his bag.

"No needles!" she said, and ran from the room. While she did, she couldn't help but remember another time she'd fled from Simon and his medicine. The memory swam in front of her eyes as she searched for a place to hide.

River had flown up the stairs, through the hallway. She nearly knocked over a chair when she reached the dining room. Wash was already there, eating leftovers from the lunch that the rest of the crew had finished a while ago.

"What-?" he asked, but River could hear Simon coming, so she darted under the table and didn't answer.

"Have you seen River?" Simon asked, panting slightly.

"Yeah, she ran through here a little while ago. She seemed upset."

Simon didn't answer, just ran off in pursuit.

After a bit, Wash said, "You can come out now. He's gone." River stood up. "So, what happened?"

River didn't reply.

"Hmm…" Wash said, then got up and walked into the kitchen. He rummaged through the cabinets, eventually removing a small, unmarked, completely unremarkable tin and two mugs. He filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove. "Whatever it is," he said, "You look like you could use some hot chocolate. Really, there's nothing that can't be solved by a good cup of cocoa." He put some innocuous brown powder in the mugs, added the hot water, and gave one of them to River. She sipped it cautiously, and found it sweet and tasty.

"It's better with cream," Wash sighed, "But I can't afford it. The cocoa is expensive enough without it."

"It's good. Very... hot, and chocolatey."

"Well-said, genius," Wash said, raising his mug in a toast. River giggled, and he smiled.

"Don't go telling anyone about my cocoa stash, now," he said, "And if you ever need help, or company, don't be afraid to come and see me."

Back in the present, River couldn't see Wash, but she could definitely use a good cup of cocoa.


	3. Chapter 3

"I still believe in summer days,

The seasons always change

And life will find a way."

-Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, 'Winter Song'

* * *

><p>What was left of the crew of Serenity sat at the table, still dressed in their funeral clothes, still smelling of insense and flowers.<p>

"It was a beautiful service," Inara said. She glanced at Zoe and added, "I'm sure Wash would have liked it."

"I don't think he would have cared," Zoe said numbly.

"Well, I don't think he would have cared about much," Kaylee sniffed, trying to stifle her crying, "We probably could have spat on his grave and he wouldn't have minded."

Zoe hadn't meant it like that. She'd meant that Wash was dead, and dead people don't generally care about much. After getting over her denial, she'd started using the word a lot. _Dead_, she thought, _He's dead and there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I'm never going to see him again, never going to see him smile or hear him laugh. Never going to tell him how much I love him, or… _She took a deep breath and tried to pull herself together.

"I know what Wash would have recommended right now," she said, walking over to the kitchen and searching through the cabinets.

"A good cup of cocoa," River said before Zoe could.

Zoe assumed that River had read her mind. She never guessed that she, too, had heard Wash's philosophy, never guessed that River missed him as much as she did. She just dismissed the statement and served them all their hot chocolate.

"River?" Zoe said, pulling her back to the present. "What are you doing here?"

River hadn't even realized she had crawled in the compartment of the cargo bay, but it was one of her favorite hiding places.

"Did the job go well?"

"Alright. As you can see, we have cargo, so if you could…"

River exited the compartment, and searched for Simon's mind among the murmurs of the rest of the crew, and found that he was in the engine room, happily distracted by Kaylee. She returned to her room and laid on the bed staring blankly at the wall for a little bit before she remembered her earlier plan to get hot chocolate.

When she reached the dining room, she found Zoe sitting at the dinner table sobbing gently into her arms. When she realized River was watching her, she sniffed, sat up, and mumbled, "Sorry…I …stupid... I just..."

"It hurts," River said, "No one understands. No one cares. They all move on and leave him behind, give up hope."

Zoe nodded slightly.

"You know what he would have suggested?"

"A good cup of cocoa," Zoe whispered.

River made two cups hot chocolate and gave one to Zoe.

"Xie xie. I'm sorry about this, I'm normally stronger,"

"There is no weakness in the admission of pain," River said, and once again got the feeling that someone else had said it.

"But I just keep thinking, 'What would Wash do?' And he would probably be laughing and joking right now."

"He wouldn't. He loved you. He would never forget."

"It's just so hard. I know, if he were here, he would know just what to say to make it alright. But that's not going to happen. He's gone, and nothing will ever be alright again." At that point, Zoe completely fell apart. She sobbed and howled and wept, saying "Oh, God, I miss him so much!"

River rested a hand on Zoe's shoulder, and said consoling things like "there, there," and "It's alright," and slowly the pain in her head faded. After a while, the tears subsided and Zoe wiped her eyes and drank her hot cocoa, and felt a little better.

"He wasn't wrong about this stuff," Zoe said, draining the dregs from her mug. A little while later, Kaylee bounced into the room, followed by Simon, with Mal trailing reluctantly behind them.

"Look!" Kaylee said, brandishing her hand at them, "Simon proposed!"

"Zhu he!"

"That's great. I was beginning to think you would be the one to pop the question."

"So now we're going to have to change our route a little. In a few weeks, we're going to have to stop at Greenleaf for the wedding," Mal said.

"Greenleaf…" Zoe whispered, and the memories flooded her mind. "I'm a leaf on the wind," her and Wash exploring the town together, Wash laughing…

River fought the memories for long enough to give Mal a look of deepest disgust.

* * *

><p>The End<p>

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><p>That's it. I didn't mean this to be a story, just a little oneshot (er, threeshot). 'Winter Song' can be found on Youtube at .comwatch?v=budTp-4BGM0 . And, always remember, comments are a writer's best friend! I'd like to thank 'Lala', who is so far the only person to comment, has commented on both chapters, and has commented on pretty much every one of my Firefly fanfictions. After I post a new chapter, I always know I have a 'Lala' comment to look forward to. And anyone who reviews this or has reviewed anything of mine, or really anything at all, you're awesome, too!


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